You chose the life you want.

Sometimes the greatest opportunities in our lives are the ones we miss out on. It's a safe choice to be so overly cautious with our lives. We pick the option that guaranty's the least amount of pain. Which is fine right? I mean, it's not like we're hurting anyone.


So we continue this mundane, vanilla, SAFE existence. Our walls remain high, our seatbelt is firmly fastened, and somewhere along the way we become cold. Our vigor and zest for truly living and loving is beaten out of us by no one but ourselves and our refusal to leap. We hold onto the rock with both hands, knowing how painful it is, but refusing to risk the unfamiliarity and unsafety of jumping.

I won't do that.


The way I see it, is life's a risk. Everyday, every decision, every moment, is a choice. You CHOSE to have the life you always wanted, or you chose to get by on boring mediocrity. At the end of the day, you have exactly the life you want.

And considering that I serve the most EXCITING, incredible, THRILLING, daring, wonderful God... I refuse to live a life that's anything less than spectacular. Even if it means being scared.

I always said I wanted more from life. Guess its time to prove it.

Comfort is the enemy of destiny. I'm not sure who said that. Maybe Oral Roberts, or another famous TBN preacher. Or maybe its just something I once heard on an episode of Smallville. But right now, I can't think of a quote that better describes the state of my life.

When I was younger, I knew what I wanted. I looked around at people living normal lives, following patterns set by a culture that defined what the accepted route was. Graduating high school, getting a practical degree from a respected four year school, getting married, going to work in a 4x4 cubicle, and having kids was the set course for most people.

I hated the thought of living that life. Where was the adventure? Where was the excitement? Where was the sense of being caught up in something bigger than ourselves, the urgency of living, the love of every day? I remember watching this one scene from Beauty and the Beast over and over again. Belle runs out into a field after telling Gaston she won't marry him, and sings that she "wants adventure in the great wide somewhere. I want it more than I can stand. And for once it might be grand, to have someone understand, I want so much more than they have planned." This epitomized how I had always felt.

But still, when the time came that I graduated high school, and could live any big adventure I wished, I found myself at ORU, pursuing a respectable major. I met a boy that I fell in love with, and made good friends. And in the normalcy of everyday life, I grew comfortable. The more comfortable I became, the easier it was to ignore the sense that God had something bigger for me, something more off the beaten path. This feeling grew, and twisted within me the spring of my sophomore year, until it was impossible to ignore. I soon found myself dropping out of ORU to pursue an internship with a youth group in Texas that I had always admired.

That brings us to now, here, where I am. The summer is passing quickly, and with its closing, my friends will return to ORU, and the boy I love, to OSU. And as more time passes, the more I can feel the comfort of what I have known calling me, making me wish for the known and the familiar. But I always said that I wanted something different for my life. Something MORE. That the normal path wasn't for me.

Now its time to prove that I meant that. I guess at the end of the day, I would rather follow Gods will for my life, and be terrified, than to go back to where Im comfortable, and never know what He might have done through me.

Neverland, magic, life is a grand adventure way of thinking

I remember being in high school and feeling invincible. It was a deep seated, naive way of thinking that told me that no one else, in the history of the world, had ever loved so hard, laughed so much, or cared so deeply for the world, and the people in it. I was thoroughly convinced of tangible magic in everyday living - one just had to look for it. I believed that everyday was an adventure, and that the more ridiculous an idea sounded, the more fun it would probably end up being. I built a life philosophy around loving God, being loyal no matter what, getting into fountains, wearing bright colors, laughing, dancing in cars, and believing in love.

I think part of this naive worldview came from my deep belief that God is good, creative, untamed, loyal, compassionate, and exciting. If this was the God of the universe, whom I deeply loved, how could I be any different?

But then, the inevitable happened. The process of growing up started, as the concept of reality began hitting close to home. There were days that the magic of life I had once believed in seemed unattainable - a foolish dream of someone who knew nothing of life, and its harsh mistreatment to those who lived it. I became resigned to a life that wasn't living, but surviving.

Thankfully, this didn't last long, for one simple reason. In the spring of my freshmen year of college, I was reminded that God is still the same God I always believed Him to be. His nature, and His character don't change, despite my changing life circumstances.

I've gone back to my Peter Pan, Neverland, life-is-a-grand-and-beautiful-adventure way of thinking. And here's the cool thing - I KNOW that I'm right. Because no matter how hard life might get, it's beautiful, if you're willing to see it. No matter how hard situations may be - you still have the choice to be happy, and find fun and laughter through small sources everyday. And no matter what people think, or say, everyone has the ability to be exactly who they want to be.

Your love never fails, never gives up, never run out on me.

The more I talk to people in life, the more I find that there's a common, somewhat universal desire written on humanities heart. We want to be vitally important to someone else, to have an irreplaceable role in someones life. People desire the knowledge that no matter what happens, or how badly they mess up, there is someone who loves them enough to be there for them. People want to know that love is there - not necessarily to be loved, but to know it is there - like new batteries in the emergency flashlight in the hall closet.

If you take a look at any popular TV show, or movie that Hollywood has put out, this desire is made clear. How many of us have wished for an unfailing best friendship like Cory and Shawn from Boy Meets World have? Or has anyone else noticed the depth of the relationships in the Twilight saga? I think on some level, many of us envy the relationships of the Cullens, and the way they fight for one another, and protect each other. The strength of relationship of the characters on FRIENDS made it one of the most popular TV shows for a decade.

On a side note, I happen to believe in love. Maybe that's why I enjoy airports so much. Im terrified of flying, but getting to go to airports almost makes it worth it. I like to see people reunited at terminals. I like to see people run to each other - I like the kissing and the crying, the impatience, the stories that the mouth can't tell fast enough, the ears that aren't big enough, the eyes that can't take in all of the change. I like the hugging, the bringing together, the end of missing someone.

This same kind of reunion has happened in my life in the past two months. I had withdrawn myself from the presence of God, taking a deliberate step back, angry and hurt by decisions and guidings that did not make sense to my failed humanity. For several months, it was the stilted kind of relationship you see between two people who have just been through a break up. Part of me wanted to reach for Him, the other part wanted to hide my heart away and lick my wounds alone. This is when I started watching people, searching for a depth in their relationships. The realization that the only place I had ever found that kind of love, and commitment was from Christ was a tough pill to swallow. But its true.

Higher than the mountains that I've faced. Stronger than the power of the grave. Constant through the trial and the change - His love never fails, never gives up, never runs out on me. Its right there, waiting for me to come back, to turn to Him and have the kind of deep, undying friendship and love that all people long for. The reunion has been amazing - the airport kind of reunion between two people that greatly missed each other.

In death, and in life, I'm confident and covered by the power of Your great love.

The coin toss makes it hard to trust anything.

What is certainty, really?

There have been so many things, ideas, places, and people that I have been CERTAIN of over the course of my life. I was CERTAIN I would grow up to be the next Britney Spears in the 3rd grade. I was CERTAIN that The Ataris had made musical history in 'So Long, Astoria', while I was in the 7th grade. I was CERTAIN that the world was ending when popularity ruled different social classes in 10th grade, and you found yourself on top one day, and on bottom the next. I was CERTAIN that the group of friends I had made in my teen years would accompany me through the rest of years. And I was CERTAIN that I had found the love of my life in high school.

But again, I want to ask - what is certainty?

Can any of us really ever be certain of anything? Life changes - quickly. Feelings move, and twist, and change so fast.

Happiness is fleeting - sadness as well. Nothing in life is certain, everything is a toss up. Heads, tails, the coin toss makes it hard to trust anything.

Thus sayeth the Lord.... good one, P.Rut.

I've never really been a second guesser. I take my time in making my decisions, and once its made, I stick by it, unwavering in my certainty that I'm doing the right thing. I guess the main reason of this, is because of how accustomed I've become to listening to the Holy Spirit guide me over the past eight years. It's a proven voice - one I have followed many times, sometimes into what seemed like insane leadings. But it has always been shown to indeed, be God's plans and not my own.

It's the same way I feel about all my friends who have been in my life the longest. I have this really great group of core buddies that I've been sharing my life with for six years. Any one of them could call me from an unknown number, or say my name in a crowd, and I would know their voice instantly. I would know their voice, because I know THEM.

I guess I've just been thinking about this a lot lately. President Rutland (who is the most BOMB old person in the world, by the way.) has been saying in chapel that "before you say 'thus sayeth the Lord to someone, you should check with the Lord." I guess I just never want to claim to speak for the God of the universe, into someone else's life, without having absolute certainty. I want to be a person who knows that I know very little about other people, or their situations. Mainly, I want to be known as a person who simply is willing to sit and cry with a friend, sharing their burdens like it talks about in Galations.

I want my strength as a friend to be in my willingness to not speak, my desire to admit when I'm wrong, and a selfless laying down of my own feelings.

once upon a time or something like it.

Vše I jste chtěli vědět, bylo, že ji dosaženy - chtěl jsem vědět, uskutečněné je, že existují v noci nemohl spát protože vaše myšlenky byly zamlžení, s griefs a časy, můžete rozbitý dolů sobbing protože zpěv byl na rádio. Chtěli jste ví, že někdy je Častokrát za stejné parku, den co den na připomene, že byly reálné. Chtěl jsem vědět, že je provedeno a stále je hluboce účinky, mi efekty. Hlavní slovo ve výše uvedeném odstavci je HLEDÁN - s "ed". Je to minulý čas - nechci, aby požadovaný. Ale I zacelené - vykopali dolů hluboko uvnitř o mě i vypůjčené alkoholu z ostatních proti můj způsob zpět pouze osoby I dříve, ale osoba nikdy myslel mohou existovat. Nebyla jsem ji! Provedl jsem ji. Jsem na druhé straně této bitvy a I jste našli radost a štěstí, které nikdy myslel mohou existovat. V everyway myslím lze použít slovo Jsi mrtvý mě. Váš duch je reálný - nejste. Že I to vysvětlit, proč je, že nedostanete se nyní vrátit vše. Není nutné toto oprávnění. Nedostanete zjistit mé přátele kolik situace stále účinky, jak špatné byly nebo jak ke ztrátě vám jste cítil od té doby. Myslíte, že všechny uvedené na hluboké, úroveň intuiative nevím? Nikdy mourned - nikdy grieved. Ignorovat situaci a sami damned života politováníhodné a nevyřešené bolesti. Je to legrační říci, že nevíte, co chtěl jsem je udělat. "Situace bylo tak těžké, nevím, co ona očekává... Mám žádné indikují co by jste podané věci." Co jsem potřeboval? Co myslel jste krok? Očekávání můžete udělat? Co ŘEKLI že by udělat? Chtěl jsem k boji na mě. Chtěl jsem vám říci, že neexistuje nikdo na světě by mohl být s, a že jste spíše by samostatně, aniž by mi být. Chtěl jsem kluk, stál u celý kostel kongregace a řekl, že mu byl pro mě. Chtěl jsem statečný muž, který povolena se nic ale nebál malý chlapec. Bylo nebál - vím, že jste byli nebál, protože jste mi řekl. Bylo o mě a o způsobu I budete cítit nebál, a tak, jak jsem zde být naprosto sami. Dál mě přesvědčovali, přišel zpět, pokud jste hledali, při které cítil potřebu... a nakonec I vlevo. Ale je to, co jste hledali. A nyní již nelze změnit. Použito mi říci, že jsem váš nevyhnutelný - vám pravdu. Nevyhnutelně vám bude vždy rádi mě. A nevyhnutelně se nikdy myslím o vás znovu.